Change is possible

The process of change is difficult. Change is easier only if you believe it is possible for the change to be true. We need to go through a process of self-actualization, but our years of abuse, neglect, criticism, drug addiction, and other destructive forces work against us to make us weak and keep us from believing that change is possible.

Hope is a strong and healthy tool to help increase our belief that change can be true. We also need to satisfy our need to be desirable, competent, successful, attractive, worthwhile and to be good to the people around us. The need to express our emotions our needs our wants. The need to be creative, playful and pursue interests, hobbies and activities that make life fun and keep us healthy.

While change can seem easy in some circumstances, the more the change is close to core patterns that you have repeated for years and years can prove to be quite a challenge. Take smoking for example, many quitters keep going back despite their numerous attempts to quit. These patterns require long-term, systematic and continuous efforts to alter them.

Avoiding pain can be a very bad and one of your biggest obstacles to change. Sometimes, you have to face the pain and overcome in order to take control of your life. Like the child who could not defend himself when his dad would beat him with a belt, you need to scream out; you need to feel the pain, and make it known that it was not right. What he did was not right and he did not do the one thing a parent is supposed to do: Protect You!

While this was just one example of a situation where you might avoid the pain for years, and avoid talking about it to anyone because it is too painful to talk about.  Many of us turn to drugs, or put ourselves in very high risk situations, re-living high levels of abuse that you have become accustom to. Putting ourselves in miserable conditions and devaluing our existence to the point where your life is literally at risk.

We need to create a vision for the future. We need to write down how we feel about the top 5 or top 10 problems in our lives and take baby steps towards resolving them. We have to remind ourselves why we want to change and why it is critical to our survival and happiness. We need to work towards self-actualization and make our dreams our priorities. No longer accept the things that cause us pain. Stand up to those who have abused, hurt or did not protect you when you were vulnerable.

Find someone your connect with; build a relationship, based on trust, based on love and affection. Humans are wired for social interaction and relationships. Build a vision for your life. Where do you want to be in 5 years? What would you be happy to do with your life? Be honest with yourself and place a high value on facing reality. Put a price to reality and every time you veer off-track, pay the price you have set. Motivate yourself to change, get help, ask a friend, and see a psychologist. When you are hopeless, when change seems impossible, when your symptoms interfere with your ability to lead a normal life. Get professional help.



Escape is a common problem and many people who have dealt with abandonment, mistrust, abuse, vulnerability, dependence, emotional deprivation, social exclusion, failure, or any other similar type of situation is likely to use escapism to avoid tihnking about their problems, their past or the issues that have affected their lives. Escapism can be manifested by drinking, using drugs, engaging in risky behaviors or other situations that provide a sort of mental diversion from everyday life as a means of coping with feelings of sadness or depression.  Although escapism can be a healthy way of finding fulfillment, it can also prove to be self-destructive and make you relive the feelings you once felt when you were abused or neglected. For example, someone who was raped as a yound child may want to have meaningless sex with strangers simply because they are used to it. Breaking this cycle can prove to be one of the most difficult things a person can do. Others less severe forms of escapism can include chronic smoking of marijuana, where the users numbs his feelings and thoughts to escape reality for a while.

Perpetual negative behavior

Tens of thousands of children are traumatized by physical, sexual, and emotional abusers or by caregivers who neglect them, making child abuse common among our communities. The scars can be deep and longlasting, affecting not just abused children but society as well.

Abused children are more likely to abuse alcohol, become addicted to drugs, abuse their own children, put themselves at risk and unforgiving situations. Many will also have some type of negative behavior that they keep repeating over and over, well into adult life. This is what I call a Lifetrap; as described in the book “Reinventing Your Life” by Jeffrey E. Young (Ph.D.)

This is important to a adult who grew from an abusive childhood so he/she can understand why they behave in certain ways. While some behaviors are easily explained, others will not be as easy.



Mistrust and Abuse

I was going to start this blog by writing about abusive parents and before I had a chance to write about it, a video came out on youtube about (explicit video) a judge who would beat his teenage daughter. Its a very explicit video, viewer discretion is advised. I cant believe parents would think that this kind of abuse is going to help or accomplish anything positive. So the kid downloaded music and software illegally on the internet, just like any other normal teenager. I feel like crying everytime I watch that video, reminds me of when I used to be a little boy, scared, frightened at the thought that I might get another lashing. Some say its discipline. I say its fear. I would never beat my child, you need to solve issues by communication and action that does not involve violence. The lifetraps that this kind of abuse produces later in life are very dangerous. How can this child trust anyone in the future? How can this child feel free to discuss anything with parents in the future?

One point I find interesting, is that the child is powerless, being abused by the people who are supposed to keep her safe. To help explain a lifetrap you might be going through in your life as a result of this kind of treatment, look to see if what you are doing put you in the same kind of circumstance as the beatings did. If so, you are reinacting the way you felt as a child being abused by people you shouldve been able to trust. So lets say you are a woman, who was beaten as a child, and now as an adult, you meet men online for anonymous sex and put yourself in unsafe situations, with cold men, who only want to use you. When the act is done, you feel terrible but, for some reason you keep doing it over and over as if you enjoyed it. When you ask yourself why you do this? You never know the answer. But if you would show this person the similarities between the abuse as a child and her behavior as an adult, it would be much clearer that she is reliving the pain she felt as a child. Our brains are wired for consistency, and although sometimes it seems unthinkable, our minds will make us do things we thought we would never dare try.

Im at the step of realizing that my abuse as a child is the reason to many of the problems I have in my life, and that knowing this gives me the power to change and move on to something else. Now that I know, I feel I can move on.

Welcome to lifetrap

Welcome to Lifetrap. I decided to start this blog in November 2011 to share some stories about lifetraps. There are 2 main reasons why I wanted to create this blog; the first was to share or open up and allow myself to heal from situations that have marked my life in a positive or in a negative mannner. The second reason was to reach out to the online community and connect with people who may have experienced the same type of situations in their life and allow them to share their thoughts as well.

I gave this site the title “Lifetraps” after reading a book by Jeffrey E. Young, Ph.D., and Janet S. Klosko entitled “Reinventing Your Life” in which I found many inspiring stories, techniques and tools to help end negative behavior. Lifetraps are situations that stem from childhood that sculpted us into doing things in our lives we never really understood why. I often searched for reasons why I did some things in my life that I would afterwards regret and despite my regrets, would soon fall into the same situation over and over again.

And so it begins, the journey into my lifetraps, the tale of a broken childhood. I hope you relate to my stories or at least find some connection to them as they are a reflection of my life.